Blog n' Rant

Say it ain't so, Hootie.

Seriously folks, the only thing worse or dumber than reality shows today, are fast food commercials. Not that these 40 second gems were ever considered to be thought inspiring poetry or anything, but you have to wonder just what those advertising people were high on when coming up with concepts for these enormous amount of stupidity.

Is there some secret think tank in the seedy advertising underworld that has stacks and stacks of psychological exams on humans (or worse, monkeys) that results in the perfect combination of music to color to shapes to action that will make a person respond in a desired way? If these papers do exist, I want to know how they could have gotten it so wrong.

Even worse, what genius at the billion dollar a year corporation OK'ed these down right idiotic and sometimes creepy spots? I used to despise Rally's just on account of the 'jingle' in the commercial. I try to imagine the poor guy writing it and how elated he was when he was done and holding the recorded media of the Rally's theme song. When that's as bad as it was, it was pretty OK. I can live without Rally's. (Yes over a song I would boycott Rally's)

Then I guess McDonalds felt left out and probably hired the same guy to write their jingle... that top ten smash... I'M LOVIN' IT!!!. What this all boils down to is that bad music, in ANY form bothers me. It was all just a funny little bit where we would joke about how crappy a fast food jingle was and that was it. All that would soon change, in the last place I ever thought I would see it happen at.

http://slate.msn.com/id/2107697/
This guy wakes up from a dead cold sleep to find this creepy and enormously headed king staring over his face. The king is pushing a breakfast sandwich on him. The poor guy is too scared to scream, too shocked to move a muscle. The smile on the huge fake head of the king either says, "Try our new delicious breakfast." or "I have just eaten your children, your dog, and your wife. I am having you for desert." That's the day Burger King introduced terror to my heart.

The latest and worst attempt to pander to me to try a new burger at BK consist of a total assault on the senses. http://www.boardsmag.com/screeningroom/commercials/1580/ I have absolutely nothing here. Beside the fact that it is the dumbest thing that I have ever see on TV, (and I have seen Cop Rock), it down right scares me. The thing with the skanky chicks with stupid hair is bad enough, but HOOTIE? Come on Darrius!!! Are times that hard that you have to stoop to this lower level of your talent? Are you the same guy that was with Hootie doing Fairweather Johnson a few years ago??? Remember Tucker's Town? When Hootie went 'out of style' after Fairweather Johnson, I understood it was because the music was too deep. It was too 'soul' for the pop audience from the first album. It was too deep for weaker minded people to handle. But I had no idea that a guy I admired for thought provoking music needed a job this bad.

Ol’ big head is there too pushing some other scary looking skank on a swing. There's this twin thing happening dancing the Ashley Simpson while sloshing buttermilk and sucking their fingers. Another skank picking burgers from a tree. There's a street paved with cheese and something about a place where lottery tickets all win. It just goes on and on with the skank whore imagry, the innuendo in the lyrics, ("The brests they grow on trees" and the "caboose" line... really brilliant), and this is all so painful to think of.

Now before I go ball up in a corner and cry while holding my knees to my chin and sweating profusely... I want answers. What corporate BK fat cat OK'ed this garbage and where can I submit my ideas. What is the advertising firm responsible for this mistake, how much are they being overpaid, who came up with this concept, and just how much dope do they smoke? If that marketing campaign flew with the big wigs, than being a pot head must be the only criteria for the job.

And finally, Why Hootie Why?

I'm going play Fairweather Johnson and remember a happier time.

posted by todAnthony @ 4:13 PM